Moving on


Just lost my first love.

Decided to create this blog to help me use my constant over thinking for something more productive.

How does one deal with losing their first love? It feels like losing a limb, definitely like breaking off a piece of your heart. They say you never forget your first love, that you’ll think of them often, and always will love them. My heart literally hurts, I didn’t know the term “broken heart” was so accurate. Sometimes it’s as if my chest will burst.

And why is it that after a break up, you see that person ten times more in public than you used to? The very next day, I was driving to see a movie to distract myself and my ex just happened to walk right in front of my car. While I burst into loud sobs, my ex fell and ate it. I knew then that we were both hurting, just the site of the other was heart wrenching.

It was a beautiful love, what we had. Wrong timing of our lives. It was not one of those heated break ups, more of a realistic one. Maybe some day many years from now fate will bring us back to each other. Till then we both need to work on ourselves, get on the path to success. I don’t know.

People say you cannot be friends with an ex. In our case, I feel it would be impossible not to be, it’s just the connection we’ve had from the start. The first time we talked, I knew this one was special. We were the same and opposite at the same time. It was beautiful. We stunned each other, made each other flustered and nervous in that adorable awkward way. But as we grew together, there was no one else I could be more comfortable with. We shared everything, even if it wasn’t something we thought the other would want to hear. I thought he was the one, we had our future planned. We thought of each other as soul mates, made for each other, the love of our life. At the end, we both knew we wanted to still be in each other’s lives because we were, always at the end of the day, best friends. They say its impossible, but I am determined to make it work. I couldn’t go the rest of this life without seeing those beautiful blue eyes again.

Whenever I describe our love, I seem to use the word beautiful. Because it simply was: beautiful.

It’s the small things I miss the most. I even miss the things I used to dislike. I think you know you’re in love when you’ve accepted every imperfection about that person, making them perfect in your eyes. Dakota Wint, he’s on Youtube, said in the video Sincerely yours: A love story, that love happens when you find the person that’s just as imperfect as you. He was the perfect combinations of imperfections.

I know in my heart he still loves and cares for me. And I do him. But like I said before, the timing isn’t right. We need to learn how to grow apart. And I’m moving soon, so we’d most likely have to deal with some form of this at some point.

Back to the friend thing, after what I’ve said above, it may seem impossible. But I would be anything for him to keep him in my life. I’m realistic enough to keep a safe distance until I move on. With such a short time left in this town, I want to spend as much time as I can get with my best friend before I have to leave. Even if it hurts, its something I need to do.

Probably I’m in denial. Fine, I’ll deny until the day I’m gone.

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